I don’t know what people see when they look at me. What is it that I actually show people that makes them leave? I understand that I carry a huge amount of trauma, but we were so close, you know? We slept together every weekend, we took a trip together, I knew his mother, he seemed to include me in his plans for the future, our routine was that of a couple, and yet he would forget that he had made plans to go out with me? How did things end up like this? One day I was traveling with my family, anxious to come back home and into your arms, and the next it felt like I had nowhere to go back to. I felt completely lost, and I still do. Who do I run to now? I used to have a shoulder to lean on, I had someone to talk to, I had a life planned out, and now? Am I back to telling strangers that my favorite color is purple? Is this really what life is about? How can I wake up one day with the life I always wanted and go to sleep the next knowing that you have already replaced me?
I know life never tried to be easy, but did it really have to be this hard? If I could, I would live in an episode of Friends. In the end, they fight, they cry, and sometimes they even hurt each other, but they are always there for one another, no matter what happens, and that is what I want for myself. I don’t need it to be my husband or for someone to send me a perfect soulmate. In the end, I just want to feel like I belong somewhere, to have a home, a place I know I can always return to no matter what happens, and that, in the end, never changes. I don’t want to feel rejected for no reason. I don’t want to have to feel the pain of everything falling apart all at once. I don’t want to look back and hate myself for not seeing the signs sooner. How could I have been so stupid? Was I really deceived and living an illusion, or was I simply happy to finally have someone by my side who paid attention to me?
Sometimes I realize that I don’t get attached to the person themselves, but rather to the moment and the feeling they bring me. In the end, I’m not sad because my relationship ended. I knew exactly what could happen when I went into it, but what hurts in the end is the emptiness it leaves behind, the feeling of not belonging to anyone or anywhere. I don’t know how I’m going to fill this emptiness. In the end, I’m the one who has to fill it, but how do I do that? How do you fill a void that was never filled in the first place? Deep down, I always thought this feeling had disappeared, but if it always comes back, then it never really left, did it?
It’s almost funny how I don’t miss the person I created in my head. I miss having a home. My biggest mistake was believing that one day a person could fill the emptiness I carry, when that is something only I can do. I can’t confuse people with homes anymore. I need to become my own home, but how do I do that? I am the most independent person I know, but when it comes to belonging, I become a child again, and I just wish that would stop happening. Is that even possible? Why can’t I be there for myself when, in the end, I am always there for everyone around me? Why can I give so much of myself to others, but when I’m the one who needs help, I have no idea where to begin? How can I know other people better than I know myself?
Unfortunately, my heart was broken recently, without me even knowing why. At least, in the end, that decision that wasn’t mine to make freed me in a way. I can’t explain how, but deep in my heart, I always felt that I was meant for something greater than the classic cycle: a job I hate that I keep only for the money. In the end, when I decided to break that cycle, I didn’t know I was pulling the bottom card from the house of cards. Life turned upside down, like Alice falling down the rabbit hole. I know that, deep down, if I hadn’t pulled that card, I would still be trapped in a horrible job, and I never would have had the courage to end things with someone who hurt me, and still does. Once again, this proves how boldly fate dares to have fun at our expense. But at least this time, it gets to have its fun while I choose to live. After all, I finally had the courage to pack my bags and leave. I finally made the decision to leave the bad memories behind, and the people who hurt me, unfortunately (or perhaps fortunately), are not coming with me. Now, the only things I have are one suitcase full of clothes and another full of pain, which, if everything goes right, will get lost somewhere along the way.
In the end, I don’t have the right to demand consideration from someone who never knew how much of a role they played in my life. I can’t ask for anything beyond respect, and fortunately, that existed for a very long time. I’ve always heard the saying, “If a problem isn’t communicated, it doesn’t exist.” I wonder if I could adapt that saying to consideration, or if that would make me selfish. I understand that people leave. After all, no one is obligated to stay. But if they knew how much of a role they play in my life, would that make them stay, or would it just give them another reason to leave?
To no One,
Cora Vesper.